You can find the word, “upeksanam” in the yoga sutras of Patajanali. It is cited in book one, sutra 33. These are my two favorite translations:

“The mind becomes clear and serene when the qualities of the heart are cultivated: friendliness toward the joyful, compassion toward the suffering, happiness toward the pure, and impartiality toward the impure.” Shearer

“Calmness arises from friendship, empathy, delight and equality towards others.” Remski

Alistair Shearer’s translation of upeksanam is “impartiality”; it’s one of the most common definitions, along with “disregard”, “neutrality” and “indifference”.
Matthew Remski takes a radical turn away from the conventional and chooses, “equality”.

Upeksanam has always been a hard term for me. I had a teacher who used to talk about it as eagle vision. It is often a word/tool invoked regarding relating to a difficult person, or even an adversary. I like the eagle vision association because it implies taking a wide view, what is problematic for me is that it also implies distance. I am much more interested in relating, getting up close and dirty, I like the fight and tough conversations. But there are times when you come across someone who operates so differently then you do, people who don’t want the same kind of connection and the fight is bitter, totally unproductive or not reciprocated. I have encountered these kinds of circumstances lately and watched others in the same place and the word “upeksanam” keeps unexpectedly rising up in me. With it comes a vision of my hands holding tight fists, then releasing and floating.

I prefer Remski’s offering of equality, because one doesn’t have to be wrong and the other right AND I don’t have to disregard or disengage. Multiple ways of being exist, you can let go of your need to turn someone your way and allow everyone to float out there in the same sky, field, ocean of equality. Remski uses the word equality because it “does not imply withdrawal from, discernment, or protective action.” He expounds on this, “Withdrawing from the other is no longer a viable option for our species.” I am not sure exactly what he is getting at, perhaps that as we find ourselves in environmental crisis, on an increasingly crowded planet, with so many new avenues for connection withdrawal is not the answer, instead we must dig our heals in and find a way to create a healthy environment and real peace amongst us. If we adopted the ethic of equality on the micro could that move us towards healing and peace? If we let our hands loosen would we find ourselves more connected?

Other people doing yoga.

Some photos of me doing yoga

I just moved from Brooklyn back to Maine. It feels great to be back home in the green and quiet. I took some pictures of myself doing yoga in the apartment in Brooklyn, some of them you see above. Goodbye New York City, I miss Brooklyn Kitchen, Lissy and Txikito but not the onslaught of sensory stimulation that was starting to wear my nerves so so thin.

Changes... Ugh.....

In this past year I have undergone big shifts in rapid succession. A lot of these changes have to do with personal relationships, relationships being reshaped, bonds broken and some abandoned. It’s extremely challenging to undergo such momentous alterations. Lately I’ve seen similar changes within the Anusara community, a slew of senior teachers have given up their Anusara certification and affiliation. Some students are moving on with them. Change is obviously disruptive, sometimes difficult and when I encounter it I often feel unsettled and insecure. Yet it is essential for growth and inevitable. It is constantly occurring and working us in different ways.
It can be thrilling and liberating, or it can be excruciating. Sometimes it brings pleasure and joy or it might reveal that which is dark, dank and buried. Seismic shifts and painful shake ups can be necessary for us to perceive patterns and ways of operating that cause harm to ourselves or others. Change calls us to reconfigure, re-imagine and refine ourselves and it’s not always easy. In my own life I feel the challenges of change as growing pains. And I think the Anusara organization is undergoing just that.
There has been a lot of commentary, speculation and uncertainty regarding the departure of four senior, Anusara, teachers. I was initially shocked and disturbed by these shifts and wanted to know all the particulars surrounding their resignations. I am no longer interested in the why’s and how’s – I imagine it has to do with all the ordinary complications of human beings, with all their flaws, needs, beauty and brilliance, interacting with one another. As skillfully as we try to act we will falter and make mistakes. What gives me heart and keeps me in the Anusara system is that the teachers that I love within this school, including the founder John Friend, never present themselves as anything other than human. I feel empathy for John and these four teachers who have undertaken such major modifications. It is hard to cut yourself loose from something that held you for so long, it is hard to be left. Change is painful, change is good and change is certain.

Process is Everything!

I moved to the suburbs and in doing so assumed a very long commute. To make it bearable I have been listening to lots of music and am hooked on live performance podcasts offered through KEXP. They have an awesome selection and in the middle of each performance there is a brief interview with the band or artist. (I am sort of addicted to the performances by Yaesayer and Beach House.) Listening to these interviews I was struck when I heard a similar sentiment expressed by two different bands. Both musical acts had slowly achieved notoriety and both noted that they deeply valued this gradual development. That within the process were important insights and crucial teachings that they required as they gained “fame” and success.
I’ve heard similar stories before but it’s beneficial to hear again and again. I love being reminded that the process is really where it’s at, that process is everything. I personally have a propensity to want to skip ahead, to bypass big steps and to get to the end point or the goal. But this is pure folly, for we are never done, never finished. Our lives and all that we undertake are a series of processes whether we like it or not. Even after we die (not considering what happens to the soul!!!!???) our physical bodies continue to be in process and create in effect on the environment.
These ideas are such fun to apply in a yoga class and are particularly effective within the Anusara method because the Universal Principles of Alignment are applied systematically, always following a krama or a process. Each UPA is essential and leads to the next, skipping one can be at the most perilous and at the least out of integrity. The first principal of alignment is Open to Grace and in this context I think of it as receiving wherever you are in your process, allowing yourself to be right where you are. In a yoga practice that sometimes means you have to accept discomfort, challenge, awkward positions and places and sometimes one gets to revel in their accomplishments, in the strength they have generated through dedication and practice, or an opening in the mind, heart or body after a time of focused study. And there are, of course, so many other stages and steps to savor. The second principle is Muscle Energy where we actively engage in whatever point in our process we find ourselves; we concentrate our energy into that place and use it to move to the next stage. Without ME we wouldn’t have the power or the support to apply Inner Spiral or Expanding Spiral. Expanding Spiral creates the space to apply Outer Spiral or Contracting Spiral. With all of these steps deeply established you then make an offering and extend out with Organic Energy, which is what expands the entire process so that we can start again. Each step is necessary and builds on the one before it developing a movement that is robust, supported, exciting, momentous, etc. The pattern repeats over and over – I have been moving through this specific sequence, applying the principles hundreds of times in my practice almost daily for several years now, and the process is continuously refined and ever changing. This focus on process is not to present some sysiphisian vision, we accept that we are engaged in multiple processes and always will be but those processes develop, grow and expand. And the great process, the project that is our lives does the same if we step into it with presence and courage, drawing on the lessons of yoga, for yoga is nothing if it is isolated to the limited territory of our mats.

My mother was in town for Thanksgiving and she made me go see the de Kooning retrospective at the MOMA. For some reason I wasn’t really interested in it but she was desperate to see it so I joined her and now I can’t stop thinking about it or feeling it – it made a strange and unexpected emotional impact.
A retrospective is a particular experience, it’s a journey through a life and it led me to a contemplation of mortality that I hadn’t forseen. Although I know very little about de Kooning’s life or his art I got the sense of him as a ceaselessly courageous explorer. Always pushing up against the edges of his work and making great innovations and transformations. One of the seminal works displayed is “Excavations” and it’s thrilling to see it in the context of what came before and after. I noticed that he had been carefully making his way towards abstraction and then suddenly his work shattered, the painting has an explosive energy the remains bound by the form of the canvas. I was so taken by the piece because it is an absolute breakthrough, reading the text regarding the painting I was struck by a passage and how it relates to the system of yoga I study. de Kooning states, “I am not interested in ‘abstracting’ or taking things out or reducing painting to design, form, line and color. I paint this way because I can keep putting more and more and more things in – drama, anger, pain, love, a figure, a horse, my ideas about space.”
This is the opposite of what one might think about the abstract expressionist movement. I would have proposed that it was a school that sought to reduce things to their most essential nature, stripping away at something till you reach the elemental. Perhaps that was part of the movement but for de Kooning it was a means of allowing more in. A lot of people have a similar conception or misconception of Yoga, folks think yoga is only about renunciation, asceticism and simplification. That yoga is giving up all your physical possessions and wandering through the wilderness in a loin cloth with long dreadlocks and a begging bowl. Within a Tantric Yoga model, which is the philosophical base of Anusara yoga, this is not the method. We are of a householder tradition, there is an emphasis on relationships and engaging deeply in the world. That might look like having a family, a job, friends, multiple passions and interests, a home you care about it AND a dedicated spiritual practice. It is a method where we bring more and more and more into our lives. Like de Kooning we are called to continue to expand and explore and grow. When I say more I don’t mean that we consume more, although that could be a component if appropriate, but really it’s about creating a rich life filled with meaningful relationships and passions.
I appreciate de Kooning’s model of bringing more in because it means we don’t have to let go of that which came before. Sometimes when we transform there is a sacrifice involved. But what if we reconsider this notion – is it absolutely necessary to leave things behind and is that a productive technique? Looking at the de Kooning show I saw that he would never have been able to pioneer new territory if he didn’t have the skills he developed earlier and a history with a more conservative form of painting. And he would never have made the breakthroughs he did without the painters who came before him who worked at the forefront of their time and field. His work builds on the past, his continuous innovations grow out of it, not despite it but because of it.
As yogis and conscientious humans we can acknowledge and pay tribute to our past (the difficulties, the obstacles, the joys, the efforts we’ve made, the practitioners who have come before us, etc.) and build upon it. We can create different, inventive ways of doing something or of being in the world. The technology and practice of Yoga has generated great transformations in my life and I often approach those changes as if they will nullify the past, hoping to be completely freed of all my transgressions, blunders, pains, injuries, bad habits, etcetera…. But what if I let all that stuff be there, accepted it – allowed space for it and room for “more and more and more” to enter? And then made an offering of my life that, like de Kooning’s retrospective, was an honest, full, inventive and inspiring expression.